An evening not so long ago, I was at a dinner party and the conversation as usual moved to kids and their antics. We were discussing weekend activities and the pains of having to wake up early on a Saturday morning......and not sure how but a friend said " a mother's hand should be on a child's head from age 1-6 yrs and then the father plays a role". Rather surprised, I raised my eyebrows asking for an explanation to which he said " and so my wife tells me". The wife sitting right next to him said " I read it somewhere".
Natural progression - we were discussing books on parenting. And it had me thinking what a strange existence we must have that we need books to teach us how to be parents - the most natural instinct of a human being, especially a mother, has to be 'learnt'.
There are self help books in the market, there are books on marriage, books on parenting books on sex, books on.......but the one that bother me most are the ones on parenting.
A friend asked me - "why parenting and not something like marriage?". Well, marriage is an institution conceptualised and conducted by a developed society. But being a parent and now I'm only going to talk about motherhood (because that's what I know) is instinctive. As soon as your baby is born you know what to do. It might take some practice to get it completely right but you do know how it's done. Every animal does - a dog or cat or pig doesn't need a book to tell them how to clean their baby or put it to its breast and come on aren't we supposed to have highly developed brains?
So what's happened to natural instincts? Why have we lost it? what happened to learning from other people - (not just an experts) experiences?
Atul and I did natural birth classes when I was pregnant with my first baby - taught by a calm serene and wonderful Gita Pandit. We did private classes and I learnt loads - from facts about my body to breathing techniques. But I sometimes wonder if things would have been any different if I hadn't attended those classes. Wouldn't I have naturally breathed deeper and longer ( When we're tired or stressed we do, don't we?). Wouldn't a conversation with my mother (3 kids) or grandmother (5 kids) taken away any fear I might have had - after all, they had natural births 50 years before I was having my baby. Did I really need to know all those details about my body? It's funny how all the natural birth classes, "What to expect when expecting books"and Dr. Spock made me think that despite never having had a baby I knew more than them ( ya ya I'm a Miss know all but.......). I thought I was the quintessential "cool " pregnant woman - I played Golf till I delivered and believed that "bachche to khet mein bhi paida ho jate hai" ( Children can be born anywhere, even in a field ) and wanted desperately to have a baby through Natural birth (had two C-sections!) but I still read as many books as I could..........
And the same thing with parenting. I wonder if there's a book that will tell me how to tell the difference between a tired 12 year old throwing a tantrum or a defiant 12 year old throwing a tantrum! I do however know that when my son gets into the car after a long session of Rugby, Cricket or Tennis and wants to either sit glum or argue unnecessary it's either because he's exhausted, played awfully badly or well, not got a chance to bat or bowl or something like that. Doesn't one just need to let ones instincts take over and then 'You know'?!
One can get it wrong (I certainly do) - often because one is influenced by circumstances, our own state of mind or physical being (Ah, PMS) but seldom because of our instincts.
I joke that the maternal instinct having so far escaped me - I never cooed over my kids when they were babies - sincerely believed they looked like little rats, but there is more to the maternal instinct than hugging and kissing your kids. Isn't it about knowing when your kid is about to fall sick, knowing when he's sad or happy, throwing a tantrum because he wants his way or throwing a tantrum because he's so hungry or tired that he doesn't know what he's doing, knowing that A not S is the special friend, knowing that the repercussions of some foolish action have frightened him, knowing when to warn him or stop him and when to let him make the mistake, knowing the sport he loves, the books he'd like, the food he loves, when to cuddle and when not to ..................Not sure which book could tell one this? But surely a parents instincts could!
Note: The reference here is to able minded parents and children. Psychological issues would require the expert advice of a Doctor/Councillor/Therapist..